Self Differentiated Leadership and Crucial Conversations

For my innovation plan to succeed, it will require more than vision, strategy, and goals. Although these are critical elements for success, the most important element is to be a self differentiated leader (Friedman, 2007). As I work to create a district-wide system in which assessment is embedded into authentic learning experiences through a digital portfolio called Seesaw, I will be asking teachers to reconsider familiar assessment practices and to develop new ones. Changes like this can cause anxiety and resistance in teachers, and would likely even trigger what Friedman (2007) calls “sabotage.” In the face of this resistance, as a self differentiated leader I would need to remain calm and clear about my purpose. I would need to resist the temptation to ignore the emotions or to try to control everyone’s reactions. I would need to stay connected to others while maintaining the ability to make decisions based on values and vision.

Several factors will be important in my growth as a self-differentiated leader. First, I need to manage my own anxiety. When people question the innovation, resist using Seesaw, or express concerns about workload, it would be easy to become defensive or interpret resistance as personal opposition. Instead, I need to pause and respond from my internal compass: the belief that young children deserve authentic learning experiences and that teachers deserve systems that make assessment more meaningful rather than burdensome. Friedman (2007) describes differentiated leadership as the ability to remain separate while staying connected. For me, this means holding firmly to the vision without dismissing the concerns or experiences of teachers.

I will also need to recognize emotional triangles within the organization. “Almost every issue of leadership and the difficulties that accompany it can be framed in terms of emotional triangles” (Friedman, 2007, p.219). For example, a teacher may communicate frustration to a colleague or administrator rather than speaking directly with the person who can help address the concern. If I allow myself to be pulled into every conflict or rumor, I could unintentionally increase anxiety rather than reduce it. Instead, I need to encourage direct, respectful communication and keep the conversation focused on the shared purpose of improving learning experiences for students. It could even be that sabotage or resistance is a symptom that people feel unheard, overwhelmed, uncertain, or disconnected from the purpose of the change.

In many ways a self differentiated leader has to develop the art of what Grenny et al. (2022) call Crucial Conversations. Their principle to “Work on Me First, Us Second” (p. 71) reflects the discipline of managing my own anxiety and motives before attempting to influence others. Using this methodology is an important part of becoming a more self-differentiated leader because it gives me practical tools for communicating clearly under pressure. When conversations involve high stakes I need to be willing to address concerns rather than avoid them. Avoiding difficult conversations may temporarily preserve comfort, but it can also allow misunderstandings and frustration to grow. Crucial conversations require me to take responsibility and speak honestly but respectfully, even when the conversation is uncomfortable.

The Crucial Conversations methodology will help me develop a strategy for leading change because each step can be applied to conversations about the Seesaw innovation. I can start with heart by remembering that the goal is to improve outcomes for children, teachers, and families. I can learn to look for signs that a conversation is becoming unsafe or emotionally charged. I can make it safe by acknowledging teachers’ concerns about time, training, technology, or accountability; I can make it clear that their perspectives matter. I can master my stories by checking my assumptions—for example, not assuming that a teacher’s reluctance means they do not care about the initiative. As Grenny et al. (2022) ask, “What story must I be telling to create these emotions?” (p. 104). This question would help me distinguish observable facts from my interpretations before responding. Finally, I can use the STATE process to share my perspective, invite differing views, and move the group toward specific next steps.

Ultimately, self differentiated leadership and crucial conversations must work together in my change strategy. My ability to stay grounded in the vision will help me lead with confidence, while my ability to engage in crucial conversations will help me build trust, address resistance, and create shared ownership of the work.

References

Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Gregory, E. (2022). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high (3rd ed.). McGraw Hill.

Friedman, E. H. (2007). A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the age of the quick fix. Church Publishing, Inc.